Drive Angry (2011) – A Dirty Movie

[Writer’s Note: I’d like to sincerely
apologize for the following review.  I’m slowly delving into a state of delusional madness. I can neither confirm nor deny whether I was under the influence of The Dark Lord Jebidiah’s mind control device at the time this was written or if it was just a bad case of mustard gas (so much dijon…so much).  As always, thank you for your patronage and please send help. – Aaron]

It’s been 14 days since I went under the knife to have my right foot cut open and a piece of myself removed to ultimately help me walk without my character enhancing limp that I had developed over the past few years.  I have 7 more days until this annoying pin is removed from my foot (the one currently sticking out of the top of my foot while holding my big toe bone in place).  And since this gruesome act was performed on my right foot, I have been stuck in my own form of Vicodin laced purgatory.  Unable to drive, barely able to walk, I’ve been left mostly to my own devices.

To prepare for this three weeks of disability, I downloaded e-books, I bought video games and made a list of movies I needed to watch.  I planned to write every day and stay productive in a furtive attempt to keep myself from going completely nuts from cabin fever. What I didn’t take into consideration was the lackadaisical state said medication would put my mind in.  Nor did I realize how difficult it’d be to make myself a pot of fucking coffee every day!

But alas, I’ve been managing.  I’ve played my fair share of video games and have watched way too much TV but nothing was really striking my mental cords driving me to write damn near anything.  That was until last night when I finally sat down (like I can stand much, really…geesh) to watch Drive Angry.  I’m not quite sure what finally got me to give the movie a chance.  I had missed the panel at SDCC, avoided it in theaters (because Nicolas Cage movies = batshit crazy time = money well spent somewhere else?), and then kinda made friends with Todd Farmer who wrote the damn thing.  At that point, I felt like I shouldn’t watch it at all because…well…what if the damn thing sucked?

And trust me, I’ve read my fair share of hate on this movie!  I didn’t want to watch it because then I’d have to tell Mr. Farmer how much I hated it.  Then again, after hanging out with him the few times I have, he’d probably get off on such verbal abuse.  But anyway…

I sat down and watched this movie while somewhat drunk and possibly on a Vicodin high (I can neither confirm nor deny this).  Well fuck a monkey and call it Christmas time, I enjoyed the shit outta this film!

Here’s the basic rundown of this fantastic piece of cellulose…

Milton (Nicolas Cage) escapes from Hell driving a classic muscle car.  I couldn’t tell you what kind, because I don’t really care.  His mission, to avenge his daughter’s death and to rescue his kidnapped granddaughter.  Along the way, he acquires a sidekick named Piper (Amber Heard) who really for the most part doesn’t much question the crazy bonkers violent shit happening around her.  Instead, she just jumps right into the fun.  Oh, and of course she also drives a classic muscle car…and is hot.  Because, I mean, why the fuck not, right?  So Milton and Piper are hunting down this crazy ass cult leader Jonah King (Billy Burke) who is responsible for some very bad things and this nicely dressed Accountant (William Fichtner) is hunting down Milton.  Why?  Because he’s an Accountant from Hell!  Make sense?  Good.

There’s more to it than that like boobs, blood, explosions, car chases, gun fights, more explosions and some random demonic shenanigans. It sounds ridiculous because it is and that’s why it works.  Many people have watched this film and have left upset and let down because they wanted a serious action film.  Obviously, this movie was not made for them.  Who it was made for, though, are those who appreciate some worth while Grindhouse style entertainment.

What I wanted in a movie was something that didn’t require much of any thinking.  Something that would take me on a ride, feed my eyes the candy it was yearning for, while ultimately delivering something trashy and fun at the same time.

When I told Todd Farmer (who also appears in the movie…naked for a time) I was watching his film, he told me it was a dirty movie and I was a dirty girl for watching it.  But that can’t be true, because if I was such a dirty girl, how do you explain the shame boner Drive Angry gave me?

You can’t, can you?

Drive Angry was written by Todd Farmer and directed by Patrick Lussier. It is currently available on DVD, Blu Ray and On Demand.